Imani All Mine Read online

  She say, Come on in here, Tasha.

  I could only get the door part open. I squeezed in with Imani on my hip.

  Mama say, I was fenna to leave you a note. But you here now. I’m going out. There’s a food stamp on the kitchen table if you want to go up to the Arabian store and get yourself something for dinner.

  I ask, Where you going, Mama?

  She say, Out. And smile like a girl going on a date. I don’t know. Maybe she feel like a girl. Mama ain’t nothing but thirty-two.

  I ask, Well, when you coming back?

  When I feel like it, Mama say. Girl, I’m grown. I know my way home. Why you in my business? Do I be in your business?

  I say, Yeah, Mama, you do be.

  And Mama laugh and snap the bottle of lotion shut. You damn straight I be in your business. Because I’m the mama and you the child. It’s my job to know your business. Did you take your pill today, Tasha?

  I say, I did. I always take it, Mama. You going out with Royster? I ask. Even though I know it ain’t been him calling. Mama busted out laughing, and me too. Even Imani laughed like she knew who we was talking about.

  Child, Mama say, I ain’t even going out with the Jherri Curl King no more.

  Mama was dating Royster before Imani was born. I never did like him. Royster old enough to be Mama daddy. He all the time had a plastic bag on his head that stuck to his bald spot in the middle. Mostly I ain’t like him because he married. What Mama want with a married man, I don’t know. Miss Odetta got her this married man Simpkin she been going out with ever since I can remember. He give Miss Odetta money. Maybe Mama thought Royster going to give her money. But he never gave her none I ever seen.

  Mama got up from the bed and I sat down behind her with Imani. Imani started squirming and whining to get down. I ain’t want to let her down in all that mess. She wasn’t going to do nothing but put something in her mouth. These days she be putting all kinds of things in her mouth she find on the floor. I bounced her on my lap. Imani liked that.

  Mama say, If you go up to the store, get some more bread. She was pulling on a pair of tight jeans.

  I say, I don’t think I’m going. I don’t feel so good.

  Mama put on a red blouse and left the top three buttons open. Then she come over to me, kicking shoes out the way. She put the back of her hand to my head. It was all cool, and I smelled her perfume sweet like some candy. I could see right down her shirt to her titties.

  Mama say, You cool as a cucumber, girl.

  I say, It’s my stomach.

  Mama say, Tasha, you just need to sit on the toilet. You probably constipated. Seem like you trying to get me to stay home with you tonight like you some baby.

  I ain’t say nothing. I looked at Imani. She got hold of Mama housedress and was chewing on a button. Mama went over to the mirror, brushing her hair. I did want Mama to stay home. But I ain’t want to say it.

  Mama say, Miss Odetta right next door if you need something. She was still looking in the mirror.

  Imani need changing, I say. When I took the button out her mouth, she start crying, so I knew it was time for me to leave. I went to my room. Maybe I was being a baby. But I ain’t want to see Mama go out. I turned my radio up all loud so I wouldn’t have to hear the front door shut.

  That evening I went on with the routine of feeding Imani and getting her ready for bed. When I put her in the tub, she kept on saying, Dada. Dada. She been saying that for a while now, but when she say it that night, it made me think of him. I washed off her tongue with the washcloth. Trying to wash that word right out her mouth. Don’t you be saying that, I say. You say Mama. Mama.

  Imani wasn’t even stutting me. She kept right on saying Dada like she been saying. When I went to wipe out her mouth again, she grabbed hold of the rag and sucked on it like it was a bottle. My baby probably thought I was crazy. Which I ain’t. I was just on my way.

  She went right to sleep after I give her a bottle, so I ain’t had no excuse for not doing homework. I left Imani in her crib, went on downstairs, and turned on the TV. I had a Latin test coming up on Friday. But I couldn’t even keep my mind on my work. I wanted to talk to somebody. I thought about calling Eboni. But she had already told me what she thought I should do. So I picked up the phone and called Peanut. I ain’t even let it ring one whole time before I hung up. I knew he ain’t want me calling him.

  Like the nut he is, Peanut done left Lincoln. He transferred to South Park High. We don’t mess around no more. I don’t know. I think he done changed. He act like he don’t want to be with me now. Maybe he sick of doing it with me. If I call him, he act like I’m bothering him. He always got some excuse to get off the phone real quick. He tired. He on the other line. He doing homework. Like he do homework! He made the basketball team there. J.V. He say that keep him busy. But I know he ain’t just getting busy with no basketball. I know he seeing another girl.

  Coco the one brung me that bone. Her cousin go to South Park too, and Coco say her cousin say Peanut be with this mixed girl. He be kissing her on the bus. It’s not like I love him or nothing. I miss being with Peanut. Kissing him. I don’t really miss doing it with him. He do it so fast. I always just wanted to get back to the kissing. I be dreaming about him sometime. That his long eyelashes is tickling my neck and I wake up laughing, and then be mad because it was only a dream.

  It seem like after you been with somebody, after they done been all up inside you, that you could call them up. That you could say anything to them. Like, Hey, there’s something that’s bothering me. I don’t want you to do nothing but listen to me talk. To let me get this boy name out my mind. To get his name out my mouth. Off my face. You think a person could do that. But I ain’t even try it with Peanut. If I would’ve called him up and he had rushed me off the phone like I wasn’t nothing to him. Like he was so great and I was just some stupid bitch he was throwing table scraps to by actually talking to me for two minutes on the phone. I would’ve gone all the way to crazy.

  I ain’t had nobody to talk to. I couldn’t tell Mama about him. I couldn’t tell her about that night. How stupid I was that night, the summer before Imani was born. Thinking he really liked me. As fat as I am. As black as I am. As much as my body look like it ain’t never supposed to be loved by no boy. Touched by no boy. That’s why I went from Skate-A-Rama with him instead of staying there like I should have. Because he say he liked me! I was smiling back too. Eboni wasn’t there, because she was home on punishment. I wasn’t skating much, because I’d rented a smaller size skate than what I really take. I was wearing a nine then, and I ain’t want that big red number blazing out from the back of my skate, telling the world how big my feet was. So I got me a size seven. They was real cute on my feet while I was sitting down on a bench looking at them. He come up to me while I was sitting down judging my feet. He ain’t even have on no skates. He ain’t say nothing at first. Just sat there. I pretended like I was watching everybody skate so I could sneak a look at him. I can’t say he looked fine to me. Because he didn’t. He was big. Bigger than me and he had good hair. It wasn’t no curl neither he was trying to fake up to look like good hair. His hair wasn’t at all greasy, and he had it just long enough so you could see it had a natural curl to it. When I turned my head away, he say something to me. I ain’t hear what he say because the music was so loud. So he slid up next to me and screamed loud in my ear his name. He ask me my name and I told him. The music was so loud, I couldn’t hardly hear nothing he say. I did hear his name real clear and I heard him say he like me. We ended up going outside, because it was too loud to talk in there.

  I turned in my skates and got my hand stamped so I could come back inside. You can’t get no skates again, the lady behind the counter say. This session end in a half hour. You done for the night. I told her that was all right. Then I went out with him. Just to the parking lot, where we can talk, he say. There was some kids hanging out there. They was talking all loud. I wasn’t stutting them. But he took hold of my hand
and kept on walking. Where we going? I ask. Around the back, he say. Where it’s more quieter. We can talk back there. You ain’t scared of the dark, is you? No, I say. I ain’t scared of no dark. And me, like a stupid stupid fool, walked right on with him. Like we was some couple just walking in love. I wasn’t really thinking about no love with him. I was thinking about him saying, I like you, Tasha. Like he mean it. Like I was someone special to him. Like I was someone special to somebody even if it was a lie.

  It was cool out even though it was August. Soon as we went around back, I could smell him. I don’t know why I ain’t smell him inside. But out in the dark quiet he smelled like smoke. Me and him went up this little hill into these trees and he took off his jacket for me to sit on. I don’t even remember what we talked about, because we only talked a couple minutes. I know he never did say again that he liked me. I would’ve remembered that. He never said I was pretty or nothing before he kissed me right in the mouth. It wasn’t like I never kissed a boy before. I did kiss this Puerto Rican boy two times around Eboni house and let him touch me outside my clothes. But when he was kissing me that night, I ain’t like it. His mouth tasted real nasty. I tasted dirt before, when I was little, and his mouth tasted worse than dirt. I guess his mouth was like that from smoking. Like some nasty little animal had done crawled inside his mouth and built a nest.

  All the while he steady kissing me and I’m steady trying not to breathe. Trying not to swallow so I wouldn’t taste him while he was laying me back to the cold ground. I pulled my mouth away and say, Get on up off me. I don’t know what you trying to do.

  He say, What you want me to do. And he steady pushing me down harder. I could feel it then. His thing. It was pressing up inside my legs. All hard and mad inside his jeans. I tried to sit up. But he pressed his whole weight on me, squashing my titties so hard they hurt.

  Hey, I screamed, leave me alone! Get up off of me! He put one of his big hands across my nose and mouth. I was screaming and kicking and trying to peel his hand off. But my screams wasn’t doing no good. They was so tiny they never even escaped the trees. That’s all I could hear, even though that boy talking to me real low with his face right in mine.

  I don’t know how many times he say, I got a knife. I got a knife. Before I heard it. But when I heard that, I stopped trying to scream. I stopped trying to fight.

  Then he say, If I got to show it to you, I’m going to have to use it on you. Now shut up, you fat bitch, and take down your fucking pants. I had already shut up. He took his hand off my face and raised up off of me some. But I ain’t move. So he pulled at my sweat pants. That’s when I started helping him, because I was thinking he going to tear them, and how was I going to explain that to Mama?

  It was the both of us that got them halfway down when he say for me to turn over and get on my knees. He raised up some more to let me turn over and I could see the lights of the Skate-A-Rama coming through the tops of the trees. When I turned over, he pushed my head down to the ground and I couldn’t see nothing no more. I ain’t hear nothing until he pushed his naked self up against me and started doing it. And my hands grabbed for something to hold.

  Hanging on to the grass, I swear I could hear them screams of mine quieter and quieter sinking into the ground. All the time I’m thinking, This ain’t real. This got to be a dream. Not my dream. His dream. He done thought this all up in his mind. Had this all up in his mind. When I was thinking about him liking me, he was thinking about this. I’m all embarrassed with my butt all tooted up in the air and him sticking his thing in me harder and harder. Faster and faster. It seem like to me his thing was a knife. Mad with me. Cutting me. My insides was burning a little bit more. A little bit more. A little bit more. I couldn’t stop my knees from shaking, and I was holding my breath in me to stop the pain.

  He put his face right up next to mine and his breath come right in my ear. It was so strong I could taste it in my mouth. You know you like it, you stupid cunt, he say. Tell me you like it. Tell me to fuck you some more.

  I ain’t say nothing. He grabbed me by the hair. My breath come out in a moan.

  He say, Yeah, that’s right. That’s right. He pushed my face back to the ground and got up off me. You can tell anybody you want, he say. I don’t give a goddamn. Ain’t nobody going to believe your dumb ass no way. He yanked his jacket up from under me. I heard him take off out them trees.

  It was a while before I even moved. I don’t know how long I stayed just like he left me, still burning inside. When I figured he was gone, really gone, I rolled over on my side and touched myself quick down there to see if I was bleeding. I was all wet. I ain’t know if it was blood. The night was so dark, even with the yellow lights shining above me in the leaves. So I pulled my pants up and brushed myself off. My knees wouldn’t stop shaking. But I got up. I ain’t even went back in the Skate-A-Rama. I ain’t even went back through the parking lot the way I came. I was shamed. I went around the other side and waited for the bus home. Spitting. Spitting. Spitting all the time I was waiting.

  Mama was sitting on the couch when I got home. Watching TV with the lights out. She ain’t even look up when I come in. It was a Friday night and she like to watch a cop show that come on. Mama say, Lock the door behind you. Which I did, and went right straight upstairs into the bathroom and pulled down my pants and panties. There wasn’t no whole bunch of blood like I was expecting to see. Only a little spot, already turning dark like a old penny. That made me feel better. Like things wasn’t so bad. Like I wasn’t going to have to tell Mama about it because it was just a bad dream anyway.

  I took me a shower and brushed my teeth with the water running all over me. I kept brushing them and brushing them, squirting out long white worms of toothpaste until my mouth tasted fresh and clean like mouths be on commercials. Like mint. Then I washed myself. I ain’t even want to touch myself down there in my private parts. But I squatted down, with my knees still shaking, and washed off real gentle but real good two times. I wasn’t burning like I was before.

  When I laid down in bed that night, with the moon shining through the tree outside my window, with the moon shining down on me, I wanted to get up and go downstairs and tell Mama. I should have told her right then. I was so shamed. Even though my mouth was clean, seem like when I just thought of that boy, I got that nasty taste in my mouth again, and I wiped off my tongue with the back of my hand. I ain’t want Mama to think it was me that was the nasty one. But I wanted her to come to me in my room that night because I was quiet. Because I had come in and gone straight upstairs. Which I never did. Showered without being told and got right into bed with no radio playing. No light on. No nothing. How come Mama ain’t know that wasn’t even me acting like that? What was she thinking about if she wasn’t thinking about me? Royster, the Jherri Curl King?

  When I was a little girl, if I was out of her sight and quiet for a minute, it seem like Mama would come to me. I would look up to see her face over me. Full and shining like the moon. Mama would watch me until she was satisfied I was all right and then she would slip away quiet. Quiet as the setting of the moon. I wouldn’t even know she was gone until I looked up and seen she wasn’t there.

  I hid in the dark of my room that night like I was some little girl too shamed to tell on myself for doing something so stupid. Mama always been the one thinking I’m so smart. I’m so special. That I’m the one who has got a brain that’s going to take me somewhere in my life. Maybe Mama think I got a brain that will take her somewhere too one day. Put her in a fine house. But that night I wasn’t none of the things Mama say about me. I was what he say I was. All them nasty words he called me. Words Mama never would let me put in my mouth to say. Fat bitch. Stupid cunt. How I was going to open my mouth and say them words? Just thinking about them set me off crying. Not like I was crazy. I ain’t make nam sound. And why ain’t Mama come? She could’ve pushed the door to my room open and when the light of the hall fell on me she would’ve seen my face. Telling her what my two lips could
n’t.

  But Mama ain’t come to me that night, and after then it was just easier to keep my mouth shut and let Mama think I was good and not nasty. So I opened up this place inside to leave everything he done and said to me. Not like it never happened. Because it did happen. But I found a place where I could close it off, and I really did think like some child, like some girl, like some fool, I wasn’t never going to have to go inside it again.

  After seeing him in the cafeteria, I knew that wasn’t true. No matter how it looked to anybody, for the next two days after I seen him, I went back to that place. I was in it each night, curled up inside like some big old baby waiting to be born.

  Instead of going to school, J went to Eboni’s. Miss Lovey was home, looking after her state kids. She ain’t say nothing to me about nothing when me and Imani went back in Eboni room and stayed until the tutor left. She ain’t ask why I was there. I knew Eboni had told her. But I knew she wouldn’t say nothing to my mama. Out in the kitchen, she made me one of her big meals. I could smell a chicken baking, greens boiling away with vinegar and hot pepper. Yams roasting with they sweet juice dripping in the stove. My stomach was making all kinds of noise just smelling how good that food was going to taste. But when it came time to eat it, I really ain’t had no appetite.

  I sat down with Eboni and Miss Lovey and them state kids in the kitchen. Miss Lovey made her and the oldest state kid a plate. He about three and he don’t eat so much. His mama was on crack when she had him. Miss Lovey get WIC and food stamps. She be getting government cheese and butter, and he still so skinny he look like he could fall over if you blow on him. All he was eating was a teaspoon of food. Eboni, shoot, she was eating like food was going out of style at the end of the day. I ate me a plate just to be polite to Miss Lovey.