Imani All Mine Read online

  Really? the doctor ask. That’s the first time she act like she was interested in me, like I was more than some fat-ass dumb ugly black girl.

  The doctor smiled at me, this real phony fake plastic smile, and Mama carried on. Tasha came out of her middle school class with the second highest average. She won the science certificate and the reading certificate and was on the honor roll every term. Tasha been on the honor roll every marking period but one in high school. She back on it now, Mama say. Mama was smiling this real smile.

  I swear Mama so pretty when she smile. Her skin so dark and smooth. She be looking young when she smile. Mama say she was protecting my future by putting me on the pills.

  I couldn’t keep my face flat no more. I was smiling back. Mama ain’t one to brag on me much, but when she do, I be liking it. Sometimes I hear her talking on the phone to Aunt Mavis, telling her about my report card. It’s like she really proud of me, and I’m that girl on the birthday card or one of them girls in Seventeen who got good self-esteem and one of them skinny bodies with neat little titties.

  I swear, for the first time that doctor talked to me like I had some sense. What you want to be when you grow up? she ask me. I told her a nurse, a nurse who work with children, because I love children. She ask, You ever thought about being a pediatrician? I ask, A doctor? Then I felt like a fool, like I ain’t know what a pediatrician is. I threw in right quick that I been thinking about being a pediatric nurse, because it take such a long time to be a doctor. Then she smiled a real smile at me and say time is one thing I got plenty of. But I got to take care of myself. Take care of my body. Not having no more babies was a way to start.

  She explained how them pills worked and not to miss one day. I felt like telling her I ain’t really need them because I wasn’t doing it, like I was going to tell Mama. It seem like the doctor might have listened. Maybe Mama, too. But I ain’t say nothing, and I’m glad I ain’t, because I’m doing it now.

  I met Peanut at school a few weeks later. This is the thing. I wasn’t stutting him when I first seen him. He was put in my homeroom because his was too crowded. Miss Williams, our homeroom teacher, had him standing up in the front of the room when we come in one morning. He short and skinny. She say his name Clyde Baker Junior. She ask him if he want to say something.

  He say, Yeah, don’t call me Clyde. Call me Peanut. Why they call you Peanut? Reuben ask. Why you think? Kente say. He got a head shape just like a big old peanut.

  We was all laughing. I felt bad about laughing when I seen Peanut looking like he was going to cry. Miss Williams say that was enough. She made Kente apologize to Peanut. She say she was calling him Clyde, and the rest of us could call him what we want. She give him a seat next to Reuben.

  I only got lunch and gym with Peanut, because I take the Regents courses and he don’t. Regents classes real hard. But they ain’t as crowded as regular classes like health. There thirty-three of us in health, stuffed in a room with no window. I think the room used to be a closet. The desks so close together, your knees be just about touching the kid’s butt in front of you. And it be so funky. A whole group of boys come in right after they gym period, and they underarms just about choke you to death. But in Latin, there’s twelve. Pre-Algebra, twenty. Honors English, seventeen. Physical Science, twenty-five.

  Even though the girls and boys have gym during the same period, we don’t always be doing the same things. When Peanut first come, the boys was playing this stupid game called handball in the gym. The girls was doing double dutch outside. Most of the girls.

  Some boys come out and jumped with us some of the time. But this one sissy boy, Franklin, jumped with us all the time. Franklin don’t even be bothering with the other boys much. They beat him up and call him faggot and call him a girl. But the girls don’t be doing that. Franklin don’t be bothering nobody. He jump on a team and even been down to New York City jumping in tournaments. Them other boys jealous of him, I think.

  About a week into our jumping, Peanut and Reuben and Kente come busting out the side door of the gym and tried to bogart our jump-rope game. The teacher wasn’t nowhere around. Kente say, A bunch of girls and a faggot can jump, can’t be nothing to it. We let him and the others try so we could see them look stupid.

  These girls, Yvette and Coco, was turning them ropes so fast, they humming and kicking up dirt. Then they start singing:

  All, all, all in together, girls

  How you like the weather, girls?

  All us girls was lined up. We answered they call jumping in one by one when they called out our birth month until we was in the ropes. Even Franklin. The boys started laughing when he jumped in. But he ain’t even seem to care. All the girls was laughing, and he was laughing, too.

  We was all jumping fine until that clumsy-foot Kente jumped in and stopped the rope. He ain’t even get one jump.

  We let the boys have they try. One by one, Kente was first. Slow them ropes down, he say. Ya’ll trying to kill me?

  Look here, Yvette say. She and Coco slow the ropes down. This here baby speed. Kente cry like a baby. Waah. Waah. Waah. I’m scared, he say.

  I know you scared, Yvette say. Kente jumped in swinging his hands in front of him like he was in a fight. Out. We all laughed at him.

  Them ropes can’t hit back, Coco say.

  They do, Kente say, and one cut me right on my ass. You want to kiss it and make it better? he ask Coco. I swear, he always got something smart to say. Kente patted hisself. Not in the back either. In the front.

  Coco say, Get away from me, you nasty boy. She was smiling when she say that. She like Kente. Everybody know that. I don’t even know why. Coco real pretty. Chocolate just like cocoa. She look like some little doll. While Kente look like something you scrape from under the bottom of your foot.

  Next come Reuben. He want to start in the ropes. This ain’t no kindergarten, I say. You can’t be starting in no ropes. Give him baby speed, too, this other girl say. I swear, for a whole minute he was rocking back and forth like he was getting set to jump in. I could tell he ain’t know what he was doing.

  My grandma could get in these ropes, Coco say, and she walk on a cane.

  Shit or get off the pot, Kente say. Then Reuben jumped in. He jumped once, and Kente and Peanut started screaming like he had done something great. Reuben got another chance and missed right off.

  It was Peanut turn then. He stood way off from them ropes like they was going to bite him. Then he jumped clean in and out the ropes without getting touched. We tried to get him to go back in, but he wouldn’t go.

  Kente want to come in again, but we wouldn’t let him. I took over turning for Coco, and me and Yvette put some pepper to them ropes. Coco skinny like a boy and she jump the fastest. Her little bony legs be moving double-time. She got out when she tried to do a split jump, and then Franklin went. I squatted down, and he flew right over my head and did a flip into the ropes. He jumped on all fours. He jumped holding on to one foot. He did three three-sixties in a row and was out on the fourth. Even Kente had to say, Boy, you bad. Franklin was all cool about it when he took my end of the rope. He ain’t even crack a smile.

  I was next. I ain’t had no big tricks like him and Coco. The ropes still had the pepper in them, and I leaped on in. I got my rhythm going and threw in some foot crosses. I still look down for them even though I shouldn’t. I was starting my one-foot spins when all this screaming started. I turned right around, and there was Peanut in the ropes, jumping like a jumping fool.

  Peanut did a three-sixty and Franklin say, Go, Clyde, go Clyde. Then they was all saying it. All but Peanut. He was saying, Go, Tasha, go, Tasha. He grabbed my hands and had this real big smile on his face. Then I seen where his eyes was. Right on my titties.

  My titties was bouncing up and down, and I was so embarrassed that I get out on purpose. I was so glad when the bell rang. I flew into the building without looking back.

  The next gym class, I thought Peanut was going to forget all about me.
Him and Reuben nem ain’t come and join us jumping. When I got a chance, I peeped inside the gym. It was sunny bright out, so when I looked inside, the gym was kind of dark. I could make out Peanut running fast-fast with not one thought of me in his head. He ain’t even look my way. But he come sit across from me at my lunch table and put a ice cream sandwich on my tray. You want it? he ask. I got me a extra. I ain’t even answer that nasty boy. Coco was sitting at the table. I’ll eat it, she say. I had to slap her hand off my tray. As skinny as she is, she eat more than me. I unwrapped the sandwich and began eating it. Coco ask Peanut where he learn to jump so good. He say he got a older sister, she in college now, he learned from her.

  Where you live, Tasha? Peanut ask me.

  I ain’t telling you where I live, I say.

  Peanut say, Kente tell me you live right round the block from me.

  Look, I say, you tell Kente keep my name out his mouth.

  I ask him where you live, Peanut say.

  What you want to know for? I ask.

  He say he just want to know, then looked down at his tray. He got these real long eyelashes and I was noticing how pretty they was. Black and shiny and thick. He ain’t look at me right away. He was opening his ice cream sandwich.

  Why you called Peanut? I ask.

  He looked at me and smiled.

  He say it was because he was born so little. They ain’t know if he was going to live. He was only three pounds and some ounces because he was premature. He say he couldn’t breathe so good. He say his whole body could fit in his daddy hand. He kept on talking, but I wasn’t listening so good, because I was picturing him hardly breathing, all tiny and curled up in his daddy hand, his eyes all closed and them pretty lashes of his all pressed against his face.

  Peanut ain’t know it, but I started liking him right then. I wasn’t even thinking nothing about doing it with him. I just liked the way his face looked when he was telling me the story. All soft and open.

  I got his phone number and that night we started talking on the phone. I ain’t give him my phone number, because Mama got our number unpublished and don’t like me to be giving it out. Eboni the only one I give it to, and Mama ain’t so crazy about even her having it. Peanut give me his number and I called him sometimes after I put Imani down.

  Even though we ain’t got no real classes together, that big head boy all the time want me to help him with his homework. I’m taking physical science. I don’t know what kind of science Peanut taking, but they be doing mostly ditto sheets. One time they had a sheet about the parts of the flower and had to fill in the blanks. He say, The seed-bearing reproductive organ of a flower. That’s the stamen, ain’t it?

  Which was wrong. Way wrong. It’s the pistil, I say.

  He say he was looking right at the picture and it ain’t look like a pistol to him.

  Not no gun, I say. A pis-til.

  Oh, he say. Then he ask, What’s a anther?

  But I wouldn’t tell him, because I could hear that he was playing his Nintendo, kicking and punching and shooting. I ask Peanut if he had a video game going, and he say he did.

  He say he be home by hisself most of the time. His parents both work at the Freezer Queen three to eleven. He say his mama used to work seven to three, but his daddy say he never saw her, so they got on the same shift. Peanut say now he don’t hardly see them. His daddy sometimes even get another shift at night to help Peanut sister out with her college money.

  Peanut say he going to college on a basketball scholarship. Then it’s on to the pros. I almost laughed. Not to be making fun of him or nothing. But Peanut just so little. He say he going to have big money when he go pro. He ain’t got to do homework really, he say. Who in the NBA can tell you what a pistol is? he ask me. Peanut say he just want to talk to me, is all. He say he don’t like being home by hisself. Reuben work in his daddy store after school, and Kente got to keep his little brothers while his mama at work. So they can’t come over. Can you come over? he ask me.

  I hadn’t told him about Imani yet. I ain’t know how he’d feel about me if he knew I have a baby, even though I was kind of thinking somebody might have told him already. I just told him I couldn’t come.

  Don’t you like me? he ask.

  I was real quiet on the phone just then. Just breathing into it. Peanut had turned off the video game.

  I like you, he say.

  No, you don’t, I say. I’m fat.

  No, you ain’t, Peanut say. You big. Thick. My mama like that. That’s the way I like girls to be.

  I start laughing.

  What’s so funny? Peanut say. I’m for real.

  The next day while we was eating lunch at school, I told Peanut about Imani. I told him in person so I could see his face. He act like he ain’t know. He say, Get out of here, and wave his hand at me. You ain’t got a baby. Maybe Peanut should be a actor and not no athlete. I ask him if that bigmouth Kente or somebody else had done told him already. Then he admitted that he heard it. I showed him Imani picture, and he say she was pretty. He say she look just like me.

  Before I’d even go to Peanut house, I wanted him to meet Imani, so he went with me one day to get her from daycare. You should of seen Imani with him. She went right to him like she knew him and let him hold her while I was dressing her to go home. Imani let Peanut hold her on the bus, and he say, Maybe people think this my baby.

  I told him they’d be thinking wrong because Imani mine and all mine.

  Peanut want for us to come to his house that day. Your mama expect you home right now?

  I told him Mama don’t say nothing if I’m home by about six-thirty. My school bus pass run out at six, and if I get a bus right around then, I be home by six-thirty.

  I usually stay over Eboni’s until then, because sometimes Imani cry when I take her home. She be all tired and won’t go to sleep no matter what I do or say, and then Mama start fussing. Not mean like, but telling me what to do. Feed her. Give her a bottle. Change her diaper. What she mostly say is put her down and let her cry herself out. Mama think I spoil Imani anyhow, hold her too much. But she my baby, and no matter what, Mama can’t really tell me what to do.

  At Eboni’s, Miss Lovey don’t fuss at me if Imani cry. Miss Lovey got two state kids, so I guess she used to children crying. Sometimes she come back in Eboni room where we be at and take Imani on up front with her. Then later I tell Eboni I got to go to the bathroom and sneak and watch Miss Lovey with a state baby on one shoulder and Imani laying across her lap. Miss Lovey be patting the state baby and just a shaking Imani on her knees. My baby be whining and fake crying. There ain’t no way she going to escape Miss Lovey lap, and after a while it seem like she just give up and fall asleep.

  If I wasn’t going to Eboni that day, I sure wasn’t going over to Peanut. I had a science test to study for. Peanut say he had the same test but wasn’t studying.

  I told him, Right, you getting a athlete’s scholarship. You ain’t got to study.

  Not much, he say. Then he come up real close to me and kissed me right in the mouth. He let his hand real smooth slide down over one of my titties. I was going to brush it away, but I liked the way it made me feel. Like I was tingling inside. Even in my private parts. Peanut turned off real quick and headed down his block and I headed down mine in a hurry. I got to thinking this the same way Miss Odetta come home. She get off the bus right here. If she seen me, she going to tell Mama. I looked around for her, but she wasn’t nowhere around.

  It was something like a whole month before we was doing it. This the thing; I thought I would be too scared to. But Peanut the one make me not scared, even though I think he was.

  We would go down to the family room in the basement. That’s where we still go. To me it look like it’s filled with all the broke-down furniture that lost its chance to be seen upstairs. There’s a chair with a busted bottom, a table with water rings on it, a lamp with a hole in the shade. This big plaid couch with squashed-out cushions.

  Peanut go on a ki
lling spree playing his video games while I put Imani to sleep the way Miss Lovey do. I don’t want her awake and looking at me. I put her in her stroller, and me and Peanut lay down on the couch and kiss with the lights out. That’s all we did at first. I even let him kiss my titties, but I wouldn’t take off my bra. I still don’t. I done told him my titties ugly. They got stretch marks. He say he don’t care. He just want to hold them naked in his hands, and I laugh.

  When he put his tongue in my mouth, he be making these soft noises. His kisses just kept getting better and better to me.

  Where he learn to kiss so good? I ask.

  He say he just born good at it. He a natural born lover.

  I don’t know. Maybe he is. Maybe he was born knowing how to make them noises he making when we kiss. It’s like he saying something to me. Something that go all inside me to the place in me I hardly know. He be making me want to know it. Peanut be finding a way to go in it and say things I hear deep inside me.

  I don’t be scared of him. He ain’t never hurt me. Not even the first time. Peanut always be soft with me. He be fast, too. Like he the one scared. All the while when we be doing it, I be holding him close and listening to the place inside me and I don’t be scared. I be listening so hard while Peanut making them noises in me, I don’t be wanting him to stop.

  Not even that first time. I ain’t want him to stop. I only pulled down my panties and sweats to my knees. My stomach was all tight, and my legs was open just enough for him to do it. His eyelashes was tickling my face and he was steady kissing me. Making them sounds in my mouth, and every time he moved I sunk down deeper in that couch. Deeper and deeper. Listening to him somehow inside. I started crying. Peanut was done by then. It was like a minute. Maybe two. Anyway, it was real quick.

  He switched on the light to see my face, and he ask, What’s wrong? I ain’t hurt you did I, Tasha?

  No, I say him. You ain’t hurt me at all.

  Then why you crying?